Chronic Indecision is Exhausting And It's Not What You Think

You think you're being patient and offering consideration, but you're really draining the life out of all those you believe you're extending this pleasant behavior to.

Let me explain… There was a time where I believed my indecision wasn’t a big deal. I actually believed it was a courtesy to others, yielding my desires for theirs. A selfless act. Thinking my inability to make simple choices like "What do you want to eat?" or "What would you like to listen to?" exemplified my carefree and pliable demeanor. "I'm down for whatever you want…" my usual response after repeated "I don't know, what do you…" exchanges. Seemed so kind prior to this epiphany.

Here's what I learned. To the receiver, your indecision is EXHAUSTING.

Why It Only Showed Up in Dating

My close loved ones (friends, family, former co-workers, etc) will read this and be perplexed. Understandably, since for me this mostly surfaced in dating. In every other kind of relationship, I have no trouble being seen, felt, known – experienced. That came naturally. There was no fear or voids in those relational dynamics.. But this summer, I was on the receiving end of someone else's chronic indecision and it hit me: "oh nooooo, is this what dating me was like!?"

I saw myself in them and felt many emotions. Compassion. Frustration. Empathy. Understanding. Towards the person but also towards that version of me and the guys that have been on the receiving end of that version of me. What my close ones don’t know is that the Shanika they knew wasn't fully the one who showed up for a man she “liked, liked.” I'd either go missing (theoretically) or second guess most decisions because I didn’t want anything to derail forward movement and God forbid I say or do something that could cause that. Even as an adult, I was just a little girl that still wanted the “just because” love from a man (cue Anita Baker). I wanted him to find me irresistible, someone he couldn't imagine letting go. It was less of a mask though and more of an eagerness. I adapted too easily, too willingly. It was the permeable membrane (remember that, from Eat, Pray, Love?) I didn't become someone else, I just let their preferences move through me a little too easily, without prioritizing my own or completely abandoning my own.

There was a root here. I unfortunately never felt like, I alone, was Enough. As a kid there’s this void but you can’t really explain it so you don’t and you keep living. As an adult, subconsciously, you try to fill the void or avoid the void entirely. Unaddressed issues never dissappear they metamorphosis. It’s how we’re wired. In my case - the “Am I enough?” fear showed up as performance anxiety (as a dancer, actor, etc.) and it appeared in my relationships with significant others or potential suitors.. I needed to be enough for somebody. As a child there was a particular connection I needed, that just wasn’t quite there. So I had to uproot where that question was stemming from so I could heal and learn to foster healthy connection sans the desperation to be enough. Because I already was.

The Excuses I Made

Before I connected the dots, I reasoned with depth. Intuitive people often give explanations for our depth. We describe ourselves as observant, deep-thinkers, over-processors, and wear it as a badge of honor, giving credit to the Most High for creating us with such "depth." While some of that may be true, some of the reasoning is deflection. A way to defer rather than just BE. A way to justify insecurities or hide them rather. A way to hide in general because if you can generate several angles to view one issue, you can justify not making a decision. When most of the times you just don’t trust your ability to make the right decision. Hiding. Insecure. Lack of confidence. Just being, just existing, tends to be the hardest thing for those with extreme “depth".

When Depth Starts Costing You Presence

Here's what I've accepted. I can be observant and I can be intuitive, but when it interferes with my ability to be present in life, in moments that require me to show up fully - those traits are costing too much.

At that point, there's an imbalance. It is unhealthy to relinquish your autonomy and presence in an attempt to accommodate others. Those who are healthily selfless and are truly able to give from the heart have most certainly made sure they were filled before they extend that generosity. Filled with whatever is necessary to enable them to show up authentically and without causing harm to themselves. (yup, even the homie Jesus).

Indecision itself isn't the problem. Being genuinely torn by choice is human. But when you peel back the layers, the truth underneath can be completely different — sometimes it's not indecision, it's absence. I don't think one realizes that when you make it a habit of being indecisive, you are removing the ability to be experienced as a person. So not only is the other person carrying the weight of all decisions they also are encountering a shell of a person - because you aren’t showing up.

The questions being asked were never what caused the paralysis.. When I dissected why I was chronically indecisive, I asked myself a few questions. What is my indecision really saying? By definition, it means I am not decided. I don't have a clue what my being is asking for. But was that true? Did I even ask myself? And that's when it hit. I didn't even ASK! To defer to the other person by handing over the power to decide was a way to avoid rejection, judgment, disappointment, or being exposed and seen. Unconscious soothing and avoidance.

So here ‘s the thing - Not being experienced is a disservice to the glorious wonder of you. You deserve to be experienced.

I love and have compassion for the version of me that showed up that way. Filled with anxiety and ungrounded. Desperate for affirmation that I was more than enough to be loved wholly. But seeking that outside of yourself when it isn’t affirmed within yourself first is a true recipe for disappointment, confusion and disaster in all relationships, romantic or platonic. I didn’t see it this way until I was on the other side of it.

Choosing to Take Up Space

So now, I show up. Not as a performance but as a testament of gratitude to the Creator,  I too believe I am "fearfully and wonderfully made… in God's image." For the past three to five years I’ve been on a journey digging up the roots and weeds that have stunted my ability to live and love fully. And I’ve since been planting healthy seeds in good soil so that being experienced blossoms daily like second nature.

So I say to all – show up and take up space. There's no other you. Uproot, till , sow and care for the garden that is you. Figure out what your soul is asking for from you. And Take up Space – in EVERY way.