Chronic Indecision is Exhausting— And It's Not What You Think

You think you're being patient and offering consideration, but you're really draining the life out of all those you believe you're extending this pleasant behavior to.

Let me explain… There was a time where I believed my indecision was a simple personality trait. A courtesy to others, to allow their decision to take priority if they desired so. Thinking my inability to make simple choices like "What do you want to eat?" or "What would you like to listen to?" exemplified my carefree and pliable demeanor. "I'm down for whatever you want…" my usual response after repeated "I don't know, what do you…" exchanges. Seems kind, right?

Here's what I learned. To the receiver, your indecision is exhausting.

What My Indecision Was Really Hiding

Indecision itself isn't the problem. Being genuinely torn by choice is human. But when you peel back the layers, the truth underneath is different — it's not indecision, it's absence. I wouldn't show up. The questions were never what caused the paralysis. It was my own lack of confidence and presence that made me defer to others, handing over the power to decide so I could avoid rejection, judgment, disappointment.

Why It Only Showed Up in Dating

My close loved ones will read this and be perplexed. Understandably, since for me this mostly surfaced in dating. In every other kind of relationship, I have no trouble being seen, felt, known. No fear there. It wasn't until I was on the receiving end of someone else's indecision that it hit me: "oh nooooo, is this what dating me is like!?"

What they didn't know is that the Shanika they knew wasn't fully the one who showed up for a man she was interested in. I'd either go missing, or I'd lean hard into being liked and admired. I wanted him to find me irresistible, someone he couldn't imagine letting go. It was less a mask and more an eagerness. I adapted too easily, too willingly. It was the permeable membrane (remember that, from Eat, Pray, Love?). I didn't become someone else, I just let their preferences move through me a little too easily, until I lost track of which parts were mine.

The Excuses I Made

Intuitive people like myself often give explanations for our depth. We describe ourselves as observant, deep-thinkers, over-processors, and wear it as a badge of honor, giving credit to the Most High for creating us with such "depth." While some of that may be true, some of the reasoning is deflection. A way to defer rather than just BE. Just being, just existing, tends to be harder for those who wear these labels proudly.

When Depth Starts Costing You Presence

Here's what I've accepted. I can be observant and I can be intuitive, but when it interferes with my ability to be present in life, in moments that require me to show up - those traits are costing too much.

At that point, there's an imbalance. It is unhealthy to relinquish your autonomy and presence in an attempt to accommodate others. Those who are selfless and are truly able to give from the heart have most certainly made sure they were filled before they extend that generosity. Filled with whatever is necessary to enable them to show up authentically. The receivers of your constant indecision are indeed exhausted, because they are left responsible for solely carrying the decision. I don't think one realizes that when you make it a habit of being indecisive, you are removing the ability to be experienced as a person.

Not being experienced is a disservice to the glorious wonder of you. You deserve to be experienced. I had to dissect the indecision. In true deep-thinker fashion, lol. What is my indecision really saying? By definition, it means I am not decided. I don't have a clue what my being is asking for. But is that true? Did I even ask myself? And that's when it hit. I didn't even ASK! I relinquished my rights in an attempt to avoid being exposed and seen because it can lead to rejection. I love and have compassion for the version of me that showed up that way. Filled with anxiety and ungrounded. Desperate for acceptance and love that did not start from within. But it is a true recipe for disappointment, confusion and disaster in all relationships. I didn’t see it this way until I was on the other side of it. 

Choosing to Take Up Space

Today, I show up. Not as a performance but as a testament of gratitude to the Creator,  I too believe I am "fearfully and wonderfully made… in God's image." For the past three to five years I’ve unlearned and learned repeatedly to arrive in a space where I believe I deserve to be experienced and fully known. So I say to you, show up and take up space, loves. There's no other you. Figure out what your soul is asking for from you, be that, and Take up Space – in EVERY relationship.