You think you’re being patient and offering consideration but you’re really draining the life out of all you believe you’re extending this pleasant behavior to. Let me explain…
There was a time where I believed my indecision was a simple personality trait. A courtesy to those around me to allow their decision to take priority if they desired so. Thinking, my inability to make simple choices like “What do you want to eat?” or “What would you like to listen to?” exemplified my carefree and pliable demeanor. “I’m down for whatever you want…” my usual response after repeated “I don’t know, what do you…” exchanges. Seems kind, right?
Here’s what I learned. To the receiver, your indecision is exhausting. Let me say, indecision itself is not the problem. Truly being perplexed with choice is human. It becomes deeper than the surface when once the layers are peeled back the reality is – it’s not indecision, it’s anonymity. I wouldn’t show up. The questions didn’t yield indecision. Lack of confidence and presence within myself caused me to yield to others and relinquish the power of making a decision in an effort to avoid rejection, judgement and disappointment. Ouch.
Intuitive people like myself often give explanations for their depth. Describing ourselves as observant, deep-thinkers, over-processors and wear it as a badge of honor giving credit to the Most High for creating us with such “depth”. While some of that may be true some of the reasoning is deflecting in a way to defer rather than just BE. Just being, just existing tends to be harder for those who wear these labels proudly.
Here’s what I’ve accepted. I can be observant and I can be intuitive, but when it interferes with my ability to be present in life, in moments that require me to show up – those traits are costing too much. There’s an imbalance. It is unhealthy to relinquish your autonomy and presence in an attempt to accommodate others. Those who are selfless and are truly able to give from the heart have most certainly made sure they were filled before they extend that generosity. Filled with whatever is necessary to enable them to show up authentically.
The receivers of your constant indecision are indeed exhausted. Because they are left responsible for solely carrying the decision. I don’t think one realizes that when you make it a habit of being indecisive you are removing the ability to be experienced as a person. Not being experienced is a disservice to the glorious wonder of you. You deserve to be experienced. I had to dissect the indecision. In true deep-thinker fashion, lol. What is my indecision really saying? By definition, it means I am not decided. I don’t have a clue what my being is asking for. But is that true? DId I even ask myself? And that’s when it hit. I didn’t even ASK! I relinquished my rights in an attempt to alleviate being exposed and seen. Because I feared being seen and exposed which can lead to rejection and judgement. I love and have compassion for the version of me that showed up that way. Filled with anxiety and ungrounded. Desperate for acceptance and love, that did not start from within. But it is a true recipe for disappointment, confusion and disaster in all relationships.
Today. I show up. Not as a performance but as a testament of gratitude to the creator that I too believe, I am “fearfully and wonderfully made…in God’s image.” I deserve to be experienced and fully known. Show up and take up space, loves. There's no other you. Figure out what your soul is asking and Take up Space.
